Alas, Alas' cried Legolas
by True Colours
Summary: “Alas, alas,” cried Legolas:“My quiver, it is missing! I must have lost it when I saw Strider and Arwen kissing!" Updated with Author's Note that I really need read! There will be acknowledgments for those who help me out.
1. Chapter 1: The Poem

'**Alas, Alas' Cried Legolas**

**A/N: This little oneshot was inspired on sports day. It was freezing cold and boring and I was forcing my friend to read LOTR, when she came across the line ' "Alas, alas," cried Legolas" (it really does exist you know). So we decided to have a poetry competition with that as the starting line, and we ordered my English teacher to judge it, because he's the kind of teacher you can say that to.**

**Disclaimer:** Yes, my name is Tolkien and I invented 'The Lord of the Rings.' And my death was a conspiracy theory and I am now taking the piss out of my own work and posting it on Fanfiction...World Wide Web? What's that? Amazing!

'Alas, alas,' cried Legolas:

'My quiver, it is missing!

'I must have lost it when I saw

'Strider and Arwen kissing!

'I'll travel over hill and dale,

'Through Forest and through Fen.

'I'll brave the slopes of Gorgoroth

'To fetch it back again!'

He stepped into his silver ship

And weeping spoke a sonnet.

His breastplate was of adamant,

Upon his head a bonnet,

His shining spear of mithril wrought,

Upon his breast an emerald.

An image of that which he sought,

His sorrow-stricken mind enthralled.

Three hundred years along or more,

Despair the elven crew had claimed,

When Legolas a vision saw,

And, laughing, joyfully exclaimed:

'My friends, take heart, my quiver lies

'Over there on yonder rock.

'I would continue, but I feel

'A swift attack of writers block!"

To Yonder Rock the sailors sailed,

And Legolas did leap ashore,

And there his prize the elf beheld

With solemn joy and joyful awe.

Then, as his vision came to pass,

He heard a cry of: 'Legolas!'

Come rolling in upon the dawn.

He whispered: 'It is Aragorn!'

He smote his forehead with his palm.

The waiting elf-lords heard him say:

'O Elbereth! Gilthoniel,

'And Sugar! It's his wedding day!'

The Sundering Seas between them lay!

Neath storm clouds and torrential rain

He drove his ship upon the way,

To get to Middle Earth again.

Meanwhile, back at the Tower of Guard

The Bride and Groom stood waiting.

They said: 'If Legolas returns

'We're giving him a gating!'

Just then Legolas crept in

And up the aisle without a noise,

But Merry saw him and exclaimed:

'Old Hundredth, all together boys!'

Then louder than the Falls of Rauros

The famed Hobytlan led the chorus.

Gimli and Boromir raised a cheer:

'Hurrah! At last the elf is here!'

Sternly Aragorn looked down,

And wisdom sat upon his brow,

And also on his brow a frown.

He looked on the elf and said: 'How

'Is it, that though we set the date

'A hundred years ago or more

'One elf has dared to turn up late?

'You rascal! Down upon the floor!'

Then Legolas fell on his knees,

And stretched his hands out to the king,

And offered many heartfelt pleas.

(The Hobytlan had ceased to sing)

'My lord and king,' cried Legolas,

'Alas that this has come to pass!

By running wave and blowing grass,

I sorry am! Alas, Alas!

**A/N: There you go, please review. Hands up if you get every single analogy. Extra kudos for anyone who knows what Old Hundredth is! **


	2. Chapter 2: The Fallout

**This was intended as a one-shot, so what better to do than...add another chapter! **

**Of course, Legolas is NOT HAPPY...the narrator is me, True Colours.**

**Disclaimer:** If you still haven't registered what site you're on, you DESERVE to think I'm Tolkien.

I re-read my finished poem, stifling a giggle now and again. It doesn't do to giggle too loudly in the Hall of the Fire. I was just capping my ink bottle when Merry and Pippin appeared from a door to my left.

'What are you laughing at?' Merry inquired, leaning over my shoulder. I gave him the paper readily enough; after all, the two hobbits were relaxed enough, and what's the point of writing if you're not going to share it?

'Oh, that's brilliant! Merry cried. 'Sugar! I can't wait to show this to Treebeard!'

'What are you showing to Treebeard?' Boromir asked bluntly, stepping forth from the shadows.

'Look here,' said Pippin, handing over the parchment before I could stop him. It might be safe or it might not, depending on whether Boromir and Aragorn were currently on speaking terms.

But my fears proved groundless. Boromir gave a surprisingly high-pitched giggle, which set the hobbits off again. Within minutes all three of them were in stitches, and the meditating elves around us were shooting us scandalised looks. Frodo glanced over the poem before reminding us solemnly to remember Legolas's valour in the mines of Moria, ('Like the time he caught sight of a Balrog and had a total nervous breakdown,' Boromir muttered) and Gimli read it very carefully and solemnly before announcing:

'Yes, most amusing,' and smiling in his beard.

'Gentlemen, please, you are disrupting the peace!'

I glanced across at Boromir and we both rolled our eyes expressively. That same irritating voice had driven me to write the poem in the first place, an act I was now regretting. Legolas entered the hall and strode over to us looking stern; behind him Aragorn trailed with the glazed expression of the very bored. Typical. The two people most insulted by the poem just HAD to turn up simultaneously.

Gimli took one look at Legolas and thrust the poem at me, incriminating me further. I glared at him and tugged it out of his grasp.

'And what are you all laughing at?' Aragorn enquired, after an awkward pause.

'Nothing, nothing,' I said airily. Boromir sniggered and I elbowed him hard in the ribs.

'Let me see it, now,' Aragorn said sternly.

'No!' I cried, clutching the poem to my chest as he attempted to wrest it from me. 'It's private! For' -gasp- 'everyone's eyes but yours! Oh no, that came out wrong!'

'It's something to do with that parchment, isn't it?' Legolas said suspiciously.

That did it. I burst out laughing. I laughed so hard that Merry and Pippin had to hold me upright. They lowered me into a chair and stood to one side, eyeing me with alarm. Finally I regained control of myself and looked up.

'Did it seriously take you that long to work it out?' I hiccupped. 'Here you go Aragorn.' The others stared at me as I handed over the parchment, astonished at my folly. I was a little surprised myself. Not to say worried. Ah well, there was nothing for it now but to sit it out. Aragorn read the poem with Legolas reading over his shoulder, and I swear his lips twitched a few times. In fact, if it hadn't been for the last few verses, the ones detailing his kingly status and relationship with Arwen, I think it would have been OK.

'I am affronted, highly affronted!' Legolas exclaimed at last. And he wasn't even joking.

'This is crass and vulgar, and most disrespectful to Legolas,' Aragorn chastised me.

'Disrespectful?' I said blankly.

'Indeed it was. May I remind you of his valour in the Mines of Moria?'

Boromir snorted.

'And Boromir, I am disappointed in you for condoning this behaviour!'

The poem had put Boromir in such a good mood that he didn't even lash out in response as he normally would have done.

'Oh, lighten up Aragorn,' was all he said.

'And what do you mean _Boromir _condoned it?' I bridled. 'Boromir can't stop me doing anything I want to do!'

'It's perfectly true,' Boromir sighed. 'After all, you do have control of the keyboard here.'

'And anyway,' I continued, gathering steam, 'I never said Legolas wasn't _valiant _in Moria, did I?'

In the face of this overwhelming logic Aragorn was forced to change tack.

'I am also shocked at you for slandering the Lady Arwen,' he tried, somewhat lamely.

'If it's written it's libel, not slander, and anyway you know it's true.'

'I -don't- know -that -that's -something -I -know,' Aragorn stuttered.

'Yes you do,' Boromir said unexpectedly - I mean, I wouldn't have thought he was the type to notice that kind of thing- 'You know it's true-'

'I-'

'You _know_ it's true, and you KNOW it's funny!' Boromir finished.

'Why are you all ganging up on me, anyway?' Aragorn asked feebly as we stared at him.

'Serves you right for siding with old frog-face over there,' I said, nodding towards Legolas.

'Frog-face? I really must protest!' Legolas said, striding towards the door. 'I am going to complain to Lord Elrond! Legolas has left the building!'

There was a ringing silence.

'It was my duty as King!' Aragorn protested, dragging our eyes back to him.

'Yeah, suuuure it was,' I drawled, getting to my feet. 'I reckon you're just jealous because you could never produce a work of such comic genius!'

'Oh couldn't I?' Aragorn asked. He squared up to me, Numenor-standard grey eyes flashing. 'Couldn't I?'

'He threw back his head and proclaimed:

' "Alas, Alas," cried Legolas, "A dreadful thing has come to pass! I'm not sure what it is quite yet, But it's something dreadful, you can bet!" '

**And there they go again. Well, now you know what goes on inside my head. In fact it's probably the reason why I'm not getting A*s in English, ironically enough. Many thanks to J for 'Aragorn's first verse'...not that she knew she was providing it, teehee! Anyway, I'm not going to beg but...**

**REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW!**

***breaks down sobbing***

**PS: Always, ALWAYS proofread your work before posting as when I proofread this I found so many errors they brought me out in a cold sweat of terror. And there was the unpleasant incident of the third chapter of my Alex Rider Fanfic, Band Together...I won't even go there, it's too painful.**


	3. Author's note

Author's Note

OK, here's the rub (to quote our revered Billy Shakespeare). I have been asked to continue this, but I have _no idea_ how, as it was already mutating out of control when I added the second chapter. So I need suggestions for plotlines, events, themes...anything, really. Many thanks, and BTW it would make my day if you would read and review my other stories, as I need help with those too. Yes, I am totally shameless.


End file.
